Trump: “Well, boys, it sure is great making America great here in this fine minimum-security prison. The orange jump-suit matches my complexion. Happy to be sharing a cell with you great Americans.”
Proud Boy: “Yes, sir, Mr. President. You will always be our president and making America great again. It’s an honor to share a cell with you, too.”
Trump: “If you had been more careful, we could have been in the White House now, instead of the Big House. I told you to march peacefully. When I said fight like hell and stay strong, I did not want you to really hang Mike Pence. That was not good optics. After all he was loyal all the way, except when I told him to overturn the election. I told you to stand back and stay strong. That did not mean break down the doors and kill policemen.
Proud Boy: “Yes, Mr. President, maybe we should not have stormed the Capitol. And that hangman’s noose and gallows was not a good idea either. And we never got a hold of Nancy Pelosi. We would have surely hanged her. But I did get to put my feet up on her desk and take a video, so the deep state FBI could ID me.”
Trump: I forgive you even though this is all your fault. But that’s ok boys, we will get there in the next election. I am making arrangements to have the Constitution amended allow past presidents to pardon themselves. And Justice Alito even said he can interpret the law to allow me to pardon myself without an amendment. This trip to prison was all rigged. The jury was rigged, the Biden Justice department was rigged, just as this last attempt to get the GOP nomination was rigged against me. And I thought I would get away with it all until Garland finally appointed that mad dog Jack Smith, a war crimes prosecutor, a real inspector Jovert, to get me. I thought Garland was such a wimp he would wait until after the election to appoint Smith. Biden must have put a boot up his ass. Those RINOs in the party gave the nomination to Asa Hutchinson, that Casper Milquetoast. How is he going to make America great? He even told people that I was unfit to be president. What kind of Republican is that? The least thing they could have done would have been to give the nomination to Ron DeSantis. At least he was mean enough and cruel enough to send those migrants to Martha’s Vineyard. He even used taxpayer dollars to do it! He is trying to be just like me, but he’s just a poor imitation, like Hunt’s Ketchup instead of Heinz. And by the way, that’s what they are giving us here at the mess hall. They don’t even have a MacDonald’s here.”
Proud Boy: “Yes sir, Mr. President. You know as leader of the Proud Boys, I had your image tattooed on my back, just like Roger Stone had a tattoo of Nixon on his back. And I got the orange color just right. They had to use red number 4 to correct the skin tone. I sure am proud sharing a cell nearby you. I am really grateful that you pulled some strings to keep me out of that supermax prison, even though I clubbed some of those capitol police storm troopers.”
Trump: “Well anyway, I succeeded in getting Liz Cheney out of congress. Who needs goody two shoes there to inspire the people? It’s bad for business. Never mind though, I have an enemies list even longer than Nixon. And I have studied Putin’s methods of dealing with political opponents. I mean I would not order any poisonings or arrange for anyone to fall out of a window, but there are other things I can do like blackmail. I watched how Frank Underwood did it. Very inspiring, I’ll tell you. Believe me.”
Proud boy: “Mr. President, can I play golf at one of your courses after I get out of this hole?”
Trump: “Sure, I will give you the felon’s rate. But be careful going to the bathroom, I still have some classified documents semi-hidden there. I would not want Lavrov to see them. I only share them with club members and good-looking women, since Melania does not even come to visit.
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