Vlady, did you try to hack our elections?
Nyet, Comrade Trumpski, I would never do that.
Are you sure Mr. President? All my intelligence agencies have told me that you have done so. The head of national intelligence, Mr. Clapper said that you did. and so did James Brennen, the head of the CIA.
Are you sure you did not?
Nyet, Comrade President Trump. I would never betray you. Besides if I did show the kompromat,
it would not be good for Russia. After all the democratskis in your house and senate want to pass more sanctions over our activities in the Ukraine and the annexation of Crimea. And they would impeach you. You must put a stop to this Mueller investigation. I have some left over radium tea to serve him and James Comey, those traitors to your cause. No one needs to know how I bailed you out on your bankrupt casinos, and the new Trump tower in Gorky Park, planned for your second term. Do not worry about not having enough roubles to complete the construction; I have many friends who will use my $200 billion stashed around the world under secret names to pay for the construction. You as an experienced builder will be able to supervise the progress, and there might even be a little left over for building the solar wall to keep out the Mexican rapists from Texas and New Mexico.
I have looked into your eyes and seen your soul, Comrade Putin. This will be the start of a beautiful friendship.
But what about the pee videos? I am afraid that the failing NY Times and the Amazon Washington Post will find out about me and the Russian whores who peed on me.
Do not worry Mr. Presidentski, these troublesome individuals have already been sent to the bottom of the Volga. We have used the antique equipment used to eliminate Rasputin, so no one will ever know.
Comrade President Trump, you need to dissolve your Duma. Imagine the Democrats and the Republicans wanting to increase sanctions on Russia, just when we are about to approach the GDP of California? This is impossible. We need economic help so that we can increase our hegemony in Syria and in Iraq. And your impeachment will not help us.
Do not worry Comrade Putin; I can veto any such silly legislation even that has bipartisan support of both houses of congress, so that I can seem tough on Russia.
But Comrade President, they will override your veto and if that happens, there is no telling what information can be leaked to the world press. As I have been trying to instruct you, freedom of the press is not a good thing for strong leaders such as us. You are taking a step in the right direction in calling it fake news, but it is not enough. You need to throw a few bodies in the Potomac, to discourage such impudence.
And your son-in-law being called before congress? At least the Republican leader Grassley has called for closed-door hearing so that the idiot is not on national television. I am sure you prevailed upon him for this step. Once he opens his mouth, we are possibly in great trouble. But of course you can pardon him with your complete pardon power.
By the way, I particularly enjoyed Mr. Comrade President, you walking around the table at the G-20 to come over to me to suggest we have a private strategy meeting. Just like Don Barzini and Don Corleone. Making me feel more important than your NATO allies is a step in the right direction.
But bear in mind that your daughter Ivanka and son-in-law Kushner are dangerous to your image. Neither of them knows anything about world affairs, and you must send them to be ambassadors to Japan and to Israel so that they cannot make more trouble for you. You need to listen to my advice on how to do this. Kushner does not even speak in public thank Lenin. And your daughter sitting in uninvited to a world leader conference? Not smart. Not good optics. Even I do not appoint relatives to the soon to be reconstructed Supreme Soviet.
Mr. Comrade Presidenski, we have a lot of work to do. And you have a lot more money to make.