THE DONALD'S CONCESSION SPEECH
November 9, 2016
First of all, I want to congratulate Hillary for winning the Presidency.
But I won the election. I am a WINNER, not a loser and here is why: I want all those blockheads who supported me not to make any trouble or claim that the election was rigged. It was designed by me to elect Hillary. I mean, wake up people. Do you think that some of the things I have said were not provocative enough to turn people off, especially women, who are of a lower mentality than men? They just do not have the stamina to figure out what I was doing.
I want everyone to know that I am really a Democrat. I was never a Republican.
I am an eastern elitist, believe me. Do you think that I live in a gold plated Trump tower apartment and have a gold plated jet because I like people who live in Des Moines or St Louis? They are suckers. Losers. Out of touch with how to get ahead. Most of these yokels would vote for me if I shot Paul Ryan. I am a patriot, believe me. I even display big American flags in my buildings right next to the TRUMP flag. I want everyone to know that there will be a Hillary victory party in all the Trump buildings not in foreclosure tonight to celebrate what I and I alone have accomplished. No one could have pulled this off except me, believe me. I won the whole thing. What a winner I am. If I invited Vladimir Putin, he would come. He loves me, just like all my other followers. Vlad told me what a winner I am.
I entered this race and demolished the 16 pinhead candidates who had the nerve to run against me in the primaries. They tried to be politically correct in selling their agenda for the wealthy. The base saw through them and embraced me. All those things I said about low energy Jeb and Little Marco were true. LOSERS! and John Kasich? He is phonier than a three-dollar bill. And how about Chris Christie who will soon go to jail, standing behind me like my puppet? He looked like an overfed beagle. The rest of them were a bunch of religious nut cases who want to get inside women's vaginas, but not successfully as I have. Who cares about abortion? I am pro choice. Just like my hot daughter Ivanka, whom I never dated, believe me.
I ran to show how bankrupt the GOP is and, believe me, I know about bankruptcies. The country had to put up with George W Bush, who invited the Iranians to take over the Middle East. And Condoleezza Rice? The worst secretary of state, much worse than Hillary, who is now my friend. Well Condi might have gotten into Augusta National, but never Trump National, get it? Well maybe now that I have revealed my true feelings of liberalism. I live in New York City, come on. After all she did go to college. And I heard she's a pretty good golfer. I heard she plays a pretty mean piano. lots of rhythm.
And how about my running mate Mike Pence, who says he is a Christian before he is a Republican and an American? He needs to get a hot date. Spends too much time in church. And what about those spineless losers Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell twisting themselves into pretzels when I revealed all that stuff about my sexual exploits. Sure, I groped a few women, but what's the difference? Bill Clinton was a fat kid from Arkansas who became President so he could get
p***y. That is the whole point of being President, isn't it? I gave a lot of money to Bill and when I release my tax returns tomorrow, it will show that. I could have built the wall with my own funds, but every one knows that is dumb. Better to do it with OMP.
So do not worry, Hillary, I am now on your side again. You are a real fighter. You do not give up and I respect that. But you are only President-elect, because I paved the way. I am the real winner.
I made myself into a Trojan (forgive the expression, I do not use Trojans) horse to show how stupid the American public is. None of them read the failing New York Times, the New Yorker or the Washington Post. They can hardly read at all. I know all this because I did well at Wharton where I learned to play everyone for a sucker. And tuition was not even that high then. It increased my attention span to a full 30 seconds. And believe me, I am not looking for a cabinet position although I would make a great Secretary of the Treasury negotiating 10c on the dollar for government bond obligations. And all those freeloading NATO partners. I never intended to make them pay up for defense. I get a lot of guests in my hotels from those countries.
So now it is time to pull together as Americans, respect the fact that I uncloaked the Republican fraud, and stand behind our new President. I am a patriot, believe me. Even though I will not be President, my face should be on the wall on the Rio Grande, just like Mt Rushmore. I want to talk to Hillary about that.
So my fellow Americans, God bless America. Let's get together behind Hillary, and come back to my casinos, my hotels and my golf courses. Business has fallen off a bit and I might have to declare another bankruptcy or even worse, lose my tax write offs.
We have only one President and she is all of our President., but I am responsible for her election. I won.
I was the one who rigged it all.