DONALD TRUMP'S INAUGURAL ADDRESS

Friends, Americans, Countrymen, and Trumpsters:

The evil that men do lives after them; the good is 'oft interred with their bones.

I come to praise Hillary, although I buried her at the polls.   Even though she got 2.5million more popular votes, I stand before you as the winner of this election, thanks to my newly evolved position on how it protects the yokels in fly over country.  I am a winner!

Despite the failing New York Time's efforts to defeat me and the fact that I did not receive the endorsement of any other major American newspaper, I stand before you as a testament to the stupidity of the electorate.   After all, wasn't it PT Barnum who said that "there is a sucker born every minute?" or H.L. Mencken who said that "no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public?"

All this business of the popular vote?  I mean if I had campaigned in California and New York, I would have persuaded all those Hollywood types and Eastern elitist liberals to vote for me, so I would have campaigned differently and won anyway.  All this because I am a man of the people.  My humble abode in Trump Tower proves that, and you can be sure I will never release my tax returns now.  And so what if Tiffany customers cannot get into the store and Fifth Avenue is now blocked.  But we have a rear entrance so Melania can buy.  New Yorkers did not vote for me anyway.  What traitors.

Now, I am going to select a junta of generals to run our foreign policy, even though I said I know more than they do.    I brought Mitt Romney around to show how magnanimous I am and we had a great meal at that workman's establishment restaurant Jean Georges,  to show how we eat just like the people.  Neither Mitt nor I drink so we saved some money.  I think it is at taxpayer expense, anyway, picking the cabinet, don't you?

Frankly, I think David Petraeus would make the best Secretary of State.  After all he engineered the surge and was first in his class at West Point, even though he gave out national security secrets and pled his felony down to a misdemeanor, because he was grabbing some hot p***y.  He paid his debt to society and deserves a second chance, unlike crooked Hillary who abused her email server and killed everyone in Benghazi.

And, of course, I picked Mike Pence as VP to ensure that I would not be impeached.  He has a pea-sized brain, believing that people walked the earth with dinosaurs and evolution is just a "theory."   After all, I descended from an orange Orangutan, proving evolution is real.  Mike also thinks Newton's theory of gravity is unproven.  If he becomes president, watch out.

And all those pundits who said I have no economic plan?  Of course I do.  Tax cuts for corporations, and sinking public schools through Betsy DiVos who never saw a public school she liked.  After all she rose through the ranks of that great institution, the Amway Ponzi scheme, eminently qualifying her for office.

And my new Treasury Secretary? Steven Mnuchin What a gem. The Wall Street Journal (Fox News) loves him.

His qualification for the job is of the working class--a hedge fund operator making millions and a trader at Goldman Sachs as well as a Hollywood financier.  He has a great feel for the coal miner or the auto assembly worker. 

And then we have Wilbur Ross a billionaire investor in distressed assets, foreclosing on people and throwing them out of their homes.   But he has assured me that his perspective has evolved, as has mine.

We will have a great winning team to greaten America.

I can't wait to bomb the shit out of Iran and ISIS, scotch the Iran deal and make America great again.  Putin and the Iranians are overjoyed on the prospect that we are aligning ourselves with that great humanitarian Bashar Assad who is restoring order to his county by dropping barrel bombs on children and civilians.  And Putin does deserve to increase his sphere of influence in eastern Europe.  Just like the good old days.

So now, my fellow Americans, with malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive to bind up the nations wounds (if Melania can plagarize, so can I).

God Bless the Trump organization and the United States of America.