OBAMA: Listen Vlad, I do not appreciate your
hacking into the DNC headquarters and fooling the FBI into releasing a report
about Hillary’s emails. The
next time you do this I will tell the Donald that you have looked into his eyes
and seen a Capitalist pig and a lying one at that.
VLADY:
And I will tell Donald that you are trying to use Nato to keep me from
restoring the USSR.
His casinos like gambling Russians, and I have assured him that if he
plays along by giving me some vig, he will grow his measly $3.5 billion in net
worth to approximate mine which is $85 billion, I mean I am almost as rich as Bill Gates and Carlos Slim put
together. Plus, I will show him
how to successfully hide it all from the nosy journalists, several of whom I
have had to dump in the Volga. So
do not think that you left such a good legacy. You had the chance to send in the Marines when I
annexed Crimea, but you did not think it was worth it. And you did not follow that witch
Hillary's advice to create a no fly zone in Syria. Of course we hacked your
election. Wait until you see what
I have in store for the Baltic Republics.
They are part of the USSR.
For example, I did a real smart deal nationalizing Yukos oil
and kicking that presumptuous oligarch, Kordokovsky out of the country and
"nationalizing" his wealth. He even thinks he will be fed polonium in his tea,
just like I fed Litvinenko who died a miserable death in a London hospital
after my agents poisoned him.
No one read about it in the Russian press, fortunately. He never wanted to do business with me
and now sits in London, calling me a crook. Some nerve.
I am working on this problem with some of my friends at the old KGB. Any fool would realize that controlling
the information gives me an 85% approval rating among the Soviet people.
But I know that Donald does not drink Vodka or any liquor
for that matter. But I do. And
wasn't it your Amerikansi comedian WC Fields who said, if you drink before you
are forty you are crazy and if you do not drink after 40 you are twice as
crazy? Donald was my
Manchurian candidate. And now Rex
Tillerson at the State Department?
My business partner? My
medal friendship winner? What a feat.
I am so manly and smartski.
TRUMP: Hey
guys, can I get into this conversation?
VLADY: Of
course you can. What ideas do you
have to deal with US-Soviet (oops Russian) relations?
TRUMP: Well I am going to build a beautiful wall on the
Mexican border to keep the Soviet Mexican agents out of Arizona and New Mexico. And, by the way Vlady, you did an amazing job in Syria,
dropping barrel bombs on school children and hospitals. You are a strong leader. And President Obama, you stood by
while Vlad took care of those rebels, destroying Aleppo and killing thousands,
causing migrations to Turkey and Europe. Both of you have done an incredible job in
destabilizing the EU. Even that German bitch Merkel is paying the price. But you have to be careful with the
Germans. If they get angry enough,
you could have another Stalingrad.
But I have a secret plan. Not even I know how it works yet. I am leaving that to Mike Pence, who is
planning a trip to Syria. He
believes that all the problems there are caused by the failure of the Muslims
to accept Jesus.
I am going to change all that with Trump hotels and casinos
all over Eastern Europe to employ the Syrian refugees. I have already planned the new Trump
Istanbul, to be built with tax credits to me because I might have to sell some
of my holdings to prevent the appearance of a conflict of interest. I plan to create jobs for West Virgina
coal miners by shipping them to Turkey to build Trump casinos and hotels. And it will save money for Medicare by
preventing black lung disease.
By the way the new commissioner of Internal Revenue says he will be done with my routine audit
after I have run for my second term in 2020 and then I can release my tax
returns. Vlad wants to see them before he goes into
business with me, so I may have to show my hand earlier.
And Rick Perry?
The guy, who I said needed an IQ test to be President, will do a fine
job at the Department of Energy.
I picked him because he was not low Energy Bush and could not remember
it when he had a brain fart and did not know which government department he wanted
to abolish. Perfect choice,
believe me.
General Mike Flynn, my new national conspiracy theory
advisor tells me that there is a conspiracy here in the US and to use Dr. Ben
Carson, the new head of Housing and Urban Development who has a direct line to
stop Lucifer from ripping unborn
babies from the womb in government housing developments.
We will fix all of that soon. But I cannot tell you both how. It's a secret.
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